Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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