I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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