I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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