I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
