the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
at least we're not in new jersey
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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