It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
