Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
