I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
