So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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