Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
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