I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
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It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
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I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
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