happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
