dude i'm inner monologue high
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Randomize
