It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
