Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Randomize
