I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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