I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
