What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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