Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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