I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
