I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Randomize
