I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Randomize
