I think i sorta joined a cult last night
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
