My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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