I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Randomize
