the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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