Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
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