like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
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