the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
