So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
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