I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Randomize
