On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
