Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Randomize
