The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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