im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
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There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
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There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
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