I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
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