I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Randomize
