how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Randomize
