I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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