the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Randomize
