I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
