One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
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