youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
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