my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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