living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
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