I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Totally using formspring as an incognito way of making sure that girl from last night wasn't jailbait.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
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