I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
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