Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Randomize
