he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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