Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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