Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
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