Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
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