I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
