You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
Who put my cat in the fridge?
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
