Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
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