wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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