Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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